Our most painful moments are also our most important. Rather than run from pain, we need to identify it, accept it, and learn how to use it to better ourselves.
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Our images of learning are filled with positive thoughts about how we learn from others. We read memoirs from the titans of industry, op-ed pieces from thought leaders, and gobble up the latest letters from CEOs in an attempt to absorb as much knowledge as we can. But it may surprise you that we’re missing one of the most obvious sources of learning: ourselves.
Pain is something we all try to avoid, both instinctively and consciously. However, if we want to achieve great things in life, we need to change our relationship with pain.
Ray Dalio, the longtime leader of Bridgewater, the largest hedge fund in the world, argues in his book Principles that pain “is a signal that you need to find solutions so you can progress.” Only by exploring it and reflecting on it can we start to learn and evolve.
There is an adage that states, “if you’re not failing, then you’re not really pushing the limits of what’s possible.” Sometimes when we push ourselves, we fall, and sometimes we break through. When we fall, the key is to reflect on our failures. However, doing that in the moment is often a very painful process that goes against human nature.
Our painful moments are important moments. When we confront something painful, we are left with a choice: accept an ugly and painful truth or embrace a beautiful delusion. Many of us opt for the latter, and it slows our progress.
We’ve known about our tendency to prefer delusion for a long time. We’ve watched others make mistakes and fail to learn from them. They are blind to the mistakes that are so clear to us. They run from the pain that could be the source of learning. They become comfortable operating without pain. They become comfortable protecting the version of themselves that existed yesterday, not the version of themselves that’s better than they were yesterday.
Rather than running from pain, we need to identify it, accept it, and learn how to use it to better ourselves. In order for us to adapt, we need to learn from uncomfortable moments. We need to value a tough-love approach, where people show us what we’re missing and help us improve.
You have a choice: You can prefer that the people around you fail to point out your blind spots, or you can prefer that they do. If you want them to, it’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be awkward. It’s going to hurt. Embracing this approach, however, means that you will learn faster and go further. It’s a great example of “first-order negative, subsequent positive.” This means the first step is the hardest and it hurts, but after that, you reap the benefits.
Of course, many of us prefer to tell ourselves that we have no weaknesses. That the world is wrong and we are right. We hide our weaknesses not only from others but also from ourselves. Being open about weaknesses means being open about who we are in the moment. It doesn’t mean that’s who we are forever. But we can’t improve what we can’t see.
Many of the people I talk to on the podcast have endured setbacks that seemed catastrophic at the time. Dalio, for instance, punched his boss in the face. Annie Duke lost millions. Countless others have been divorced, fired, or otherwise in a position where they felt unable to go on. I’ve been there too. It’s in these moments, however, that a meaningful part of life happens. Life is about what you do in the painful moments; the choices you make and the path you choose.
The easy road is staying the same, avoiding pain and ignoring your flaws. The hard road is embracing the pain, examining your mistakes, and shining a light on your blind spots. This is the path to seeing reality and leaving your self-made bubble behind.
The people who have succeeded in life have learned to embrace pain and not be afraid to fall. They’ve learned from their failures and used them to make themselves better. Embracing pain is not easy but it is a choice that can lead to personal growth and success. Don’t be afraid to confront your painful moments, be open about your weaknesses and strive to improve yourself, it’s the only way to truly achieve greatness in life.